dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
