Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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