don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
