Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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