I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
