I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
