now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
