Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
