You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
