haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
