I checked into jail on foursquare
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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