1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize