y did u give ur computer a hand job?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
