If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
