apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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