am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize