there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
