Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
