did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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