You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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