I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
