I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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