your parents love me but you hate me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
