It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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