I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize