Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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