Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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