watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
