I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize