I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
