so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
