A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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