Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
