i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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