I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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