You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
