Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
