I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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