Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
