I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
