she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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