bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize