gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize