I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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