pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
