when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize