Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
