Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just googled if crying burns calories
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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