my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
