I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
