so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
