I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
