my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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