i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
