it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
