I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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