I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
