i jhust puked up my retainher.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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