There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize